Sunday, 18 May 2008

Will your Celebrity fanbase save you from Zombies?

Written by Daz

It's a very important question. Picture this: Armageddon day is upon us and you have managed to save your family, maybe some of your friends, some pets (apart from your Aunts cat which smells of pee) and you have some room left on your space ship...maybe even enough room to save your favourite football team from the rampaging hordes of zombies and vampires encroaching! Huzzah! Wait are you going to do it? Popular culture suggests only movie stars can save the world, so...are your teams Celeb fans up to scratch?

As an Arsenal fan, I feel blessed that I have a strong world saving Celeb sprinkling to stop Fabregas being turned into werewolf chow, consider:

Sarah Michelle Gellar: It's Buffy the Vampire Slayer! Yeah, OK, so she is like only 3ft tall but man, those zombies are so toast and she might even bring Freddie Prinze Jr. with her as bait which equals double money!

Gillian Anderson: More supernatural fighting expertise here, with Scully from The X-Files! OK, so she may only go and save Ray Parlour thanks to their ginger twin bonding but man, she probably knows loads about zombies, enough to brief our next warrior:

Kevin Costner: "If you build it, they will come" Kev once said. Possibly he was talking about the Channel Tunnel and Polish Immigrants but I like to think that Kev was actually talking about The Emirates Stadium and was just, like, really psychic. Of course you would think that Kev would be a Nottingham Forest fan considering his film history but seeing as how Arsenal (in the form of Dial Square) were donated their first ever kit by Forest, there is some nice strands of fate there. Sadly we will let the Forest team be turned into the undead though as we make our plucky escape, sorry guys. If it helps, we'll leave you Eboue as a snack.

David Soul: Not only was he the blonder, less sad cardigan wearing half of Starsky & Hutch but he also killed vampires in Salem's Lot! I'm telling you now, they shouldn't have bothered to head for the Winchester in "Shaun of the Dead", they should have gone straight to Highbury!

David Schwimmer: If all else fails, if Buffy is eaten and David Soul crushed under foot, you can throw David Schwimmer to the rampaging zombie horde and scarper, it's win/win. You may want to shout "Hey David...we're on a break!" before watching him be ripped apart and his liver digested with a nice piece of Dover Soul from the Emirates restaurant. Then run like Theo Walcott.

All in all, I'm pretty confident of the survival of the heroes from N5 thanks to their warrior like Celebrity support, how does your teams Celebs stack up?


Yas said...

You forgot Osama Bin Laden (didn't he go to a match at Highbury in the 90s?)

United's famous fans are as follows:

Richard Ashcroft - Verve

Michael Atherton - Cricketer

Ian Brown - Stone Roses

Tim Burgess - Charlatans

Mark Charnock - Marlon Dingle

Terry Christian - The Word

Steve Coogan - Alan Partridge

Angus Deayton - Ex Have a got news for you

Eamonn Holmes - Northern Irish, lives in London supports Man Utd?

Mick Hucknall - Simply Red

Ulrika Jonsson - D List Celebrity

Patrick Kielty - see Eamonn Holmes

Terry Kiely - Fletch from Dream Team

Michael Le Vell - Corrie

Kym Marsh - Pure and very Simple

Steve McFadden - Phil Mitchell

Gary Rhodes - Chef

Lisa Riley - Fat Friends, ex Emmerdale

John Virgo - Big Break

Russell Watson - Opera Singer

Sean Wilson - Martin Platt, Corrie

The actor who played Victor Meldrew

Geoffrey Boycott

Er...yeah I think the Zombies won't have much trouble here

Daz said...

Yeah but Osama is too well hidden to be any use to us, isn't he?

That's a piss poor line-up of Man Utd celebs! Can Terry "The Word" Christian stop a rampaging army of the undead? Chances are slim.

I suppose you could distract them by offering them the chance to sleep with Ulrika Jonsson, I mean she has probably had worst in her time.

The only one I would entertain any hope for is Geoffrey Boycott, mainly because he is a grumpy old bastard armed with a cricket bat = zombie head splattering.

All in all though, it looks like Ronaldo and co are screwed!

Yas said...

It is pretty disppointing isn't it? I'm sure there aremore. Shawn Ryder from the Happy Mondays for one...

...not really improving matters is it?

coolgirlsar said...

"I don't believe it!" That'll be enough to get those zombies gone.

I wonder if the daggers have any celeb fans.

Daz said...

Well if the Zombies eat Shawn Ryder they will be too stoned to kill anyone else, so that's your secret weapon, Yas!

hammer moose said...

West Ham famous fans are as follows:

Chris Akabusi - athlete

Nick Berry - actor singer

Frank Bruno - boxer (heh heh heh heh)

Todd Carty - actor

John Cleese - actor

Noel Edmonds - Tele Addicts

David Essex - Singer (well some call it singing)

Perry Fenwick - Billy Mitchell

Graham Gooch - Cricketer

Leslie Grantham - Dirty Den perfect spy as he is undead himself)

Lee Hurst - Comedian

Phil Jupitous - Comedian

Ross Kemp - Grant Mitchell (oy bruv where are those zombies ? !)

Lennox Lewis - Boxer

Matt Lorenzo - oh well !!

Jo O'Meara - S Club (never mind !)

Ray Winstone - The Daddy

There is enough talent in there to kill those zombies. Bad acting & singing is more of a match for biting & chomping !

hammer moose said...

wow what a list

Arsenal crack squadron B
Clive Anderson - Comedian
Natalie Appleton - Ex All saints
Nicole Appleton - Ex All Saints
Nigel Benn - Boxer
Alan Davies - Comedian
Dido - Singer
Frankie Dettori - jockey
Audley Harrison - Boxer
Prince Harry - HRH
Kate Hoey - MP
Nick Hornby - Author
Judge Jules - J
Gary Kemp - Martin's Brother
Martin Kemp - Gary's Brother
Matt Lucas
Rory McGrath - comedian
Lee McDonald - Zammo
Dermot O'Leary
Johnny Rotten
Greg Rusedski -
Phil Tuffnell
Mel Smith
Joe Swash - Micky from Eastenders
Rachel Stevens - S Club
Pete Tong - DJ
Bradley Walsh
Michael Watson
Dale Winton

Yas said...

Russell Brand is a Hammer ain't he?

warhorse said...

I'm a little embarassed at the Arsenal celeb fan list.

Could we send some jerseys out to the following?

Clint Eastwood - hell yes
Paul Newman - cool as all get out
Robert DeNiro - his stare alone will win a couple games for us
Penelope Cruz - probably a fan of some Spanish team, but so fine